11:41pm. October 30, 2017.
I’ve got a flight back to Manila tomorrow afternoon. I have to wake up early in the morning to catch the bus going to the airport. My eyes are feeling groggy. The entire hotel is sound asleep. I’m not supposed to be up at this hour. Yet, here I am writing again.
Earlier this afternoon, I was browsing through the local Japanese CD store – looking for exclusive merchandise I could get for my buds back home. While searching through the shelves, I stumbled upon a rare gem: Taylor Swift’s 1989 album in a full on Japanese tour edition box set. I didn’t even bother looking at the price tag before rushing it towards the counter. I was thrilled to see what goodies were kept away in this spectacular-looking case of wonders.
I finished my shopping, caught a movie (for the first time in Japan), had a lovely pepper lunch dinner, and went straight to my hotel room to open up what I had eagerly purchased. Oh, was it glorious! The box had guitar picks, a beautifully made lyrics sheet, and loads of polaroids from Taylor’s own 1989 album photoshoot. Better than I had expected (and I expected a lot!).
(Sorry for rambling about my musical idols, but I promise that this leads somewhere.)
With the 1989 album finally in my hands, I started reading the foreword. One of the reasons why I love Taylor Swift so much is how she chooses her words. And I’m not just talking about her songs. In particular, I thoroughly enjoyed what she had written on the foreword of her 2012 album, Red, which happens to be my favorite TS album. It’s been nearly 3 whole years since 1989 first came out, yet I was never given the opportunity to read that album’s own foreword.
The main theme that she tackles is change. The idea of change always seems to show up in my beloved pieces of fiction and entertainment. The very basis of the title of Taylor’s album shows the time elapsed between the date of her entering into existence and the moment of her leaving it. Yet what fascinates her so much is what happens between these two points, and what changes along the way.
The debate over whether people can change is an interesting one for me to observe because it seems like all I ever do is change. All I ever do is learn from my mistakes so I don’t make the same ones again. Then I make new ones. I know people can change because it happens to me little by little every day. Every day I wake up as someone slightly new. Isn’t it wild and intruiging and beautiful to think that every day we are new?
I’m not sure how her words hit so close to home, but they did. And it got me seriously thinking about how I myself have been changing over the course of my 23-year existence. I can definitely say that I’m not the same person I was two years ago, since my last blogpost. So much has happened to me. So much has changed me. Some for better, some for worse.
And sadly enough, I feel terrible about it.
Some part of me hates who I am today. Look at me. I’ve certainly thrown any chance of romance out the window – either because I’m stupid or because I’m a coward. Bottomline: it probably IS me that’s got issues.
My cousin got married two days ago. It’s so great, and I couldn’t be happier for him. Still, I couldn’t help but feel so depressed about how I don’t have the joy and love he has right now. I’ve never felt so envious before. I want that feeling too. Only then did I feel so broken and empty.
Memories of my past relationships instantly flooded my mind. What went wrong? What could’ve been done to fix things? What would it have taken to have something that lasts? God damn. It’s a bittersweet feeling – having all these petty high school emo concerns.
The other night, I made a promise to myself for me to get better. Like Taylor, I find myself in a position where I need to shake it off, and learn from my mistakes to move forward. I even made a list. Hopefully I can stick to it. Yet no amount of lists and promises will guarantee that I’ll be able to find the one that makes me feel the same way again. And for some reason, I’m okay with that. It’s challenging, but for some reason it drives me to push forward. I’m going to constantly improve myself. I am determined to quit my vices, control my desires, restrain myself from gaming. I’m going to work hard to find you.
If you are reading this, know that these words, no matter how well I think I wrote them, will never be able to fully describe how intensely passionate I am about meeting you. I hope that when we finally see each other, things will fall into place, and any semblance of seredipity will work its magic to bring the two of us together.
I’m done with who I am today. Time to wake up into a bigger and brighter me.
So let’s get to it.