To The Girl I Haven’t Met Yet

Nagasaki, Japan.

11:41pm. October 30, 2017.

I’ve got a flight back to Manila tomorrow afternoon. I have to wake up early in the morning to catch the bus going to the airport. My eyes are feeling groggy. The entire hotel is sound asleep. I’m not supposed to be up at this hour. Yet, here I am writing again.

Earlier this afternoon, I was browsing through the local Japanese CD store – looking for exclusive merchandise I could get for my buds back home. While searching through the shelves, I stumbled upon a rare gem: Taylor Swift’s 1989 album in a full on Japanese tour edition box set. I didn’t even bother looking at the price tag before rushing it towards the counter. I was thrilled to see what goodies were kept away in this spectacular-looking case of wonders.

I finished my shopping, caught a movie (for the first time in Japan), had a lovely pepper lunch dinner, and went straight to my hotel room to open up what I had eagerly purchased. Oh, was it glorious! The box had guitar picks, a beautifully made lyrics sheet, and loads of polaroids from Taylor’s own 1989 album photoshoot. Better than I had expected (and I expected a lot!).

(Sorry for rambling about my musical idols, but I promise that this leads somewhere.)

With the 1989 album finally in my hands, I started reading the foreword. One of the reasons why I love Taylor Swift so much is how she chooses her words. And I’m not just talking about her songs. In particular, I thoroughly enjoyed what she had written on the foreword of her 2012 album, Red, which happens to be my favorite TS album. It’s been nearly 3 whole years since 1989 first came out, yet I was never given the opportunity to read that album’s own foreword.

The main theme that she tackles is change. The idea of change always seems to show up in my beloved pieces of fiction and entertainment. The very basis of the title of Taylor’s album shows the time elapsed between the date of her entering into existence and the moment of her leaving it. Yet what fascinates her so much is what happens between these two points, and what changes along the way.

The debate over whether people can change is an interesting one for me to observe because it seems like all I ever do is change. All I ever do is learn from my mistakes so I don’t make the same ones again. Then I make new ones. I know people can change because it happens to me little by little every day. Every day I wake up as someone slightly new. Isn’t it wild and intruiging and beautiful to think that every day we are new?

I’m not sure how her words hit so close to home, but they did. And it got me seriously thinking about how I myself have been changing over the course of my 23-year existence. I can definitely say that I’m not the same person I was two years ago, since my last blogpost. So much has happened to me. So much has changed me. Some for better, some for worse.

And sadly enough, I feel terrible about it.

Some part of me hates who I am today. Look at me. I’ve certainly thrown any chance of romance out the window – either because I’m stupid or because I’m a coward. Bottomline: it probably IS me that’s got issues.

My cousin got married two days ago. It’s so great, and I couldn’t be happier for him. Still, I couldn’t help but feel so depressed about how I don’t have the joy and love he has right now. I’ve never felt so envious before. I want that feeling too. Only then did I feel so broken and empty.

Memories of my past relationships instantly flooded my mind. What went wrong? What could’ve been done to fix things? What would it have taken to have something that lasts? God damn. It’s a bittersweet feeling – having all these petty high school emo concerns.

The other night, I made a promise to myself for me to get better. Like Taylor, I find myself in a position where I need to shake it off, and learn from my mistakes to move forward. I even made a list. Hopefully I can stick to it. Yet no amount of lists and promises will guarantee that I’ll be able to find the one that makes me feel the same way again. And for some reason, I’m okay with that. It’s challenging, but for some reason it drives me to push forward. I’m going to constantly improve myself. I am determined to quit my vices, control my desires, restrain myself from gaming. I’m going to work hard to find you.

If you are reading this, know that these words, no matter how well I think I wrote them, will never be able to fully describe how intensely passionate I am about meeting you. I hope that when we finally see each other, things will fall into place, and any semblance of seredipity will work its magic to bring the two of us together.

I’m done with who I am today. Time to wake up into a bigger and brighter me.

So let’s get to it.

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To The Girl I Haven’t Met Yet

To Who Once Was A Good Friend, Consider This A Final Goodbye

It’s 5:07am of the 22nd of December 2015.

Everyone is asleep from a long night — a whole night of partying, feasting, singing, and conversing about the nuances of adult life (as if we could ever leave that out).

And here I am. Still awake. Restless. Just itching write what’s flooding my mind at the moment. Screw prose and flow.

Something’s bothering me, and I don’t know why.

It’s been a weird day, to be quite honest. And I can’t actually say whether I’m happy about it or not. On the one hand, Ms. Philippines won! And very weirdly so, haha. Yay, I suppose! And our Christmas party was a blast. We were all having one hell of a good time. It was really nice to see faces I haven’t seen in a long long time. Just sitting together, eating, and catching up on each of our lives. I always love doing that. I don’t know if it’s just me, but having an actual one-on-one personal conversation is where I’m most engaged. Groups discussions were always too noisy for me. Too many people with too many things to say. But my own attention is solely focused on another’s, holy hell, do I get one heck of a story. Haha, Christmas spirit much?

But I digress. Back to what’s bothering me…

Amidst all that happened tonight, I couldn’t help but feel a bit troubled by…well, everything around me. It’s like…despite how things were being all fun and jolly, it’s as if the state of things weren’t exactly right to me.

*cue conversation with myself*

“Huh? Weren’t exactly right? What does that mean, Mikey?”

“It probably means that something or someone pissed you off, bro.”

“Oh. But I don’t recall anything pissing me off tonight.”

“Yes you do, you’re just trying so hard to ignore it.”

Well damn. Now that I take some time to reflect on it, maybe something did tick me off. Or rather, someone. Which really bothers me because I’ve spent the better half of my year staying positive. And it’s worked out for me on countless occasions. Quite frankly, this change of attitude is what probably brought about what I could say would be the best and craziest year of my life so far. And yet, something managed to breach that wall of flowery niceness and positivity enough for me to want to write about it? Just sounds like more drama llama to me. Though, I hope not.

So while I have this small opportunity to shoo this incredibly fresh and potent hate out of my system, let me do so:

(Disclaimer: No hard feelings to the person I’m addressing this to.)

-begin rant-

Holy. flipping. fuck. You fucking zombie of a person you. You are an absolute contradiction of your own self. You are a bloody WALL. Nothing gets to you. Are you that dense, or are you simply oblivious to the humanity that surrounds your frivolous excuse of a life? I CANNOT believe a person like you exists. I’m trying real real hard not to hate you, but you’ve been making it bloody difficult for me to keep it up. Be a human being, for God’s sake. You stupid, attention-seeking, self-serving irrational piece of useless shit. I’m done with you.

-end rant-

Back to being positive me.

Over the few months of meeting new people and making new friends, I’ve learned that it’s not hard to see people change as life goes on. Of course, we can all agree that change occurs all the time. I’m changing, you’re changing. Everything changes and the world keeps spinning. I’ve also learned (the hard way) that as people change, they begin to change you as well. Basic social anthropology, yeah, but the reality never hit until I truly got to experience it for myself. Surround yourself with great people, and they’ll bring out the best in you. And with that same idea, surrounding yourself with the most toxic and intolerable people will bring out the absolute worst in you. Sad, but horribly true.

I’m ever grateful for having the best people around me. Loving family, loving friends, loving workmates. They’re who helped me become the person I am today. And I’m proud of myself. I continue to grow as Mikey, and see myself being shaped into a bigger and brighter me. It’ll be a while before I get to where I want to be, and I’m perfectly okay with that. I’m excited for the future, and what it holds for me and my peers. I just hope that as people continue to change, they try to change for the better as well.

What a year it has been. A huge-ass Six Flags roller coaster of emotions. Thank you to the kind and caring people who I got to spend it with.

P.S. ilyc

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To Who Once Was A Good Friend, Consider This A Final Goodbye